MILWAUKEE, WI — According to sources, local atheist Sam Thorp has been gloriously converted to Christianity only seconds after hearing Johnny Cash's hit song "The Man Comes Around" for the first time.
"Let's give this one a listen," said Thorp, completely unaware that his soul was about to be regenerated by the Almighty. As the song began with a haunting monologue, Thorp reportedly sat forward in his chair.
"And I heard, as it were, the noise of thunder
One of the four beasts saying,
'Come and see.' and I saw, and behold a white horse"
"DAAAANNGG DUDE! This song goes HARD!" Thorp said, according to several witnesses. As the song progressed, however, his excitement turned into a holy terror and awe, causing him to desperately reach for something to grab onto for safety should the ground open up and Sheol swallow him whole, after which he cried: "Lord, have mercy on me, a sinner!"
"We see conversions like this all the time," said Percival Stubb, President of the local Freethinker's Club. "This is why we recommend our fellow atheists avoid that song at all costs. I'm shuddering now just thinking about the lyrics. Dangit, I think I'm getting saved." Stubb then bowed his head and gave his life to Christ.
At publishing time, the Freethinker's Club had been forced to disband after the remaining members converted due to an accidental listening of "God's Gonna Cut You Down."
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