WASHINGTON, D.C. — Mitch McConnell resigned from Congress without warning Thursday, signaling his departure by blinking twice.
"This is just so sudden," said an aide speaking on behalf of long-time colleague Sen Dianne Feinstein. "He's so young!"
The surprise announcement came about in response to a reporter's unrelated question about why Ukraine was being sent more money while the state of Florida was underwater. The senator suddenly stopped speaking and was joined at the podium by an aide.
"Senator, did you hear the question? Blink twice if you heard the question," said the unidentified McConnell aide.
McConnell replied by staring blankly forward as if observing a distant light on the horizon, or watching the waves lap upon distant white shores. The aide interpreted this action as a desire to change topics.
"Senator, blink twice if you want to resign. SENATOR, CAN YOU HEAR ME? BLINK TWICE, SENATOR!"
According to sources, the crowd gasped as Mitch McConnell blinked twice, ending a 238-year run as State Senator.
"I'm sorry, but it's time to go. I have many things to do," McConnell's aide said, translating the 81-year-old senator's distant stare. "I regret to announce — this is the end. I'm going now. Goodbye."
The solemn moment when the aide threw McConnell into a wheelchair and abruptly rolled him out of view was caught on camera. A touching end to a noble political career.
A statement was later released by the senator's office: "McConnell, who was first elected to the United States Senate in ages past, shortly after he emerged from the primordial seas as a young turtle, is grateful for the support of his fellow Kentuckians but is eager to step down from public life to write a series of romance novels set in the frontier. Thank you, and God Bless"
At publishing time, it was revealed Mitch McConnell had not actually retired. He just wanted to send even more money to Ukraine.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.