U.S. — Airline passengers of the world could finally breathe a sigh of relief, as all major airlines have introduced ejection seats for people who have loud conversations.
According to representatives from Delta, Southwest, United, Spirit, Frontier, and Canada Air, all commercial aircraft were being retrofitted with ejection seats to get rid of irritating, inconsiderate jerks who have loud conversations when you're trying to sleep.
"It's a huge step forward in customer satisfaction," said airline spokesman Bob Jet. "People love it. Just one syllable above a certain noise threshold, and — FWOOOSH — your irritating neighbor will be going for a much faster, shorter flight than they planned. Passengers have told us that it's the only good thing in air travel since Continental went out of business and stopped giving out free hot chocolate chip cookies."
Passengers love the new feature.
"I can't wait to fly again," said Michael Holmes, a frequent airline passenger. "No longer will I be plagued with stupid conversations with people in my aisle. No longer will I have to try to sleep through impromptu business meetings. Just a quiet, serene flight, occasionally punctuated by rocket launchers ejecting noisy travelers."
At publishing time, airlines had improved air travel even more by equipping planes with ejector seats for passengers who chew with their mouths open.
Liberal Brynnleigh witnesses a communist utopia in action!
