ALERT: This is an important public service announcement for anyone planning to enjoy their boats out on the water for the foreseeable future.
Do NOT, we repeat, DO NOT, drive a boat really fast in the water with a Venezuelan flag. Several reports indicate it might lead to you blowing up in a giant fireball.
Sources say the risk is heightened if you are Venezuelan, look slightly Venezuelan, or have 2 tons of cocaine on your boat. Officials are warning that doing any of these things will almost certainly cause a fiery death.
"Que? No comprendo! AAAHHHHHHHHHH!" said one vaguely Venezuelan-looking dude with a Venezuelan flag as an air-to-surface missile blew his entire vessel to kingdom come.
"We can't stress the importance of following these instructions," said Captain James Tish of the U.S. Coast Guard. "We're pretty much blowing up anything that looks remotely Venezuelan. Oh look! There's another one! Get him!"
Boaters are being urged to fly American flags and play "Free Bird" on their speakers while also not being Venezuelan drug runners for maximum safety.
Liberal Brynnleigh witnesses a communist utopia in action!
