NEW YORK, NY—In a rare visit to her district, Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez dropped by the unemployment office to explain to everyone why losing their jobs was actually a good thing.
Ocasio-Cortez explained how those who had worked for oil companies were involved in an inherently evil industry. Furthermore, she said, by losing their jobs, they were pushing America closer and closer to a socialist utopia where nobody works. Finally, she told them they had thrown off the capitalist shackles of work and income.
"What a great turnout today!" she said cheerily as she turned on her megaphone, though she was shouting into it backward until an aide helped her turn it around. "Work and income are capitalist constructs! You should be thankful! I'm just so excited to see that everyone here, like, is totally ready for a socialist workers' paradise. Like, if nobody works, then the government just has to pay for our stuff, because, like, otherwise, money wouldn't exist."
Nobody seemed to understand her, but she pressed on. "Anyway, just keep fighting the good fight and topple our capitalist overlords!"
"You love to see it!"
She tripped on her shoelaces and fell on the way out, but an aide was ready to free her with a pair of scissors he always keeps handy just for such an occasion.
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