FORD OF THE JABBOK — Newly unearthed scrolls have revealed the ringside commentary from the wrestling match between Jacob and the Angel of the Lord, as well as the incredible, prime-time rematch Jacob v. Angel II that followed.

The discovered excerpt of the commentators has now been translated and reads as follows: "Absolute pile driver there! Nasty dislocation — ooh, that's gotta leave a limp! — sweep single from Jacob, killer half-nelson from the angel, and Jacob's got him locked up in a far-side cradle and demanding a blessing right there at the end. What a match, what a…wait…what's that??

Ladies and gentlemen, ringside sources are informing me that the Angel is back for a wrestling rematch! This has got to be the rematch of the century right here! They're warming up inside the ring, Jacob — excuse me, Israel — is approaching in a nice tight stance looking to grapple, and OH MY HEAVENS!!! THE ANGEL HAS GOT A STEEL CHAIR!!!

The body blows are raining down on Jacob — there's just no way he can keep surviving this brutal punishment! The crowd is chanting…chanting…AND JACOB IS DOWN AND THE ANGEL IS STARTING TO COUNT!! He's back up now and looking a little bit groggy…clutching at the Angel…asking his name…AND THE STEEL CHAIR IS BACK OUT AGAIN!!

My word, this is the most action we've had since Rachel watered an entire flock of sheep by herself…Holy Ladders, these two are still at it! Jacob is down again, and the Angel's done it! He really did it folks, he reeeaaalllyy did it! Pulled out that rematch like we've never seen it done before! What a night, what a night!!!!!"

At publishing time, new documents revealed a planned trilogy fight that never materialized due to Israel being occupied on some farm for seven years.

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