Americans Relieved To Find Out The Amazon That's Burning Is Just The Rainforest

U.S.—Americans held their collective breath when they saw the headline “Amazon on Fire,” as they knew this would have dire, worldwide consequences. They felt a huge relief, though, when they found out that the Amazon being referred to was merely the South American rainforest and not the internet retail giant.

“Oh man, I was so scared when I saw that Amazon was on fire,” said Sean Jacobs, a mechanic, “because I had just ordered John Wick on Blu-ray. I was like, ‘Is this going to affect two-day Prime shipping?’ But then I found it was just some trees on fire. And guess what? It only took one day to get my Blu-ray. Amazon’s shipping is so great!”

While the Amazon rainforest, home to 10% of the species on earth, is on fire, Amazon the internet retailer, home to 50% of online sales, is unharmed and assures customers that everything with them is just fine, and there will be no obstacles to getting customers whatever they order -- unless they order merchandise from South America, because that place is on fire or something.

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