U.S.—Jubilant citizens from sea to shining sea have begun preparing for an unprecedented Golden Age after Hollywood superstar Jennifer Lawrence revealed in an interview that she will be taking a year off of acting to “fix our democracy.”
“Finally, after all this strife, J. Law is going to save us all!” ecstatic Americans exclaimed Wednesday as they foresaw an idyllic new age of peace, prosperity, and happiness in the United States and around the world. “If Katniss can’t do it, nobody can!”
“Thank you Jennifer! Jennifer be praised!” citizens chanted as they marched peacefully through city streets by the millions, hugging each other and holding pictures of the scantily clad Oscar-winning actress.
At publishing time, nearly every mainstream media outlet had confirmed that Lawrence is the hero that is going to save America and usher in its greatest days, and is certainly not merely another upper-crust, self-important, multi-zillionaire liberal Hollywood activist.