U.S. — Joe Biden's ugly spill at the Air Force commencement ceremony has led the American public to vote to approve adding the question "Can you walk and speak in sentences?" to the official job application for President of the United States.
"We never thought making this a requirement would be necessary," said concerned voter Zach Lewis. "I think everyone just assumed being ambulatory and having the ability to form words with your mouth and string them into coherent sentences that express rational thought would be a minimum for people serving in the highest office in the land, but apparently not."
The White House immediately voiced strong opposition to the addition of the question, accusing its proponents of discrimination. "These requirements represent pure prejudice," said Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre. "Becoming Leader of the Free World should not come with any qualifications or requirements. It's hateful and, quite frankly, un-American."
Sources say the addition of the question to the job application for President may deal a severe blow to the future aspirations of other potential candidates, such as Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and Senator John Fetterman. When reached for comment, Fetterman grunted three times before reciting what witnesses believed to be fragments of lyrics from a Linkin Park song. A spokesperson for Kamala Harris was quick to assert the Vice President is capable of speaking in full sentences, regardless of whether or not they convey any actual substance.
At publishing time, further questions were under consideration to be added, including "Is your son addicted to crack cocaine?" and "Are you currently on the payroll of the Chinese Communist Party?"
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
