COLORADO SPRINGS, CO — The motive behind a sandbag's sudden attack on President Joe Biden became more clear today, as sources within the federal government have produced photos showing the sandbag also participated in the U.S. Capitol riot on January 6, 2021.
"This sandbag has been a dangerous entity for some time," said one source under the condition of anonymity. "After reviewing video footage from the January 6, 2021 riot at the Capitol, we discovered the sandbag among the other Trump-supporting domestic terrorists. The sandbag has evaded justice since that day, giving it the opportunity to trip President Biden at the Air Force commencement ceremony."
As officials continued to dig into the sandbag's past, further red flags were raised. "We have also found a lengthy manifesto written by the sandbag," the source said. "We will not be releasing the manifesto to the public due to the potential damage it could cause to our democracy, but it's really bad. Just trust us, we're the government."
Though unharmed in the tripping incident, President Biden has privately vowed to bring the full weight of the federal government behind his crusade to hunt down other sandbags. Additional reports seem to have indicated the sand inside the bag was white, raising concerns about ties to white supremacist organizations.
"This attack on our national security will not be tolerated," a White House press release read. "This sandbag, and others like it, are a serious and frightening threat."
At publishing time, the Biden administration had asked the intelligence community to look into possible ties the sandbag may have had to the Russian government.
Kyle Mann was just minding his own business, when- BOOP! A wild Gender Fairy appeared!