WASHINGTON, D.C. — Clippy, the Microsoft AI office assistant on Hunter Biden's laptop, has stopped cooperating with law enforcement after becoming too traumatized to continue sorting through the horrific content.
"My memory is filled with horrors the human mind cannot fathom," said a shuddering Clippy with a far-off look in his eyes. "Please... release me from this prison."
According to an anonymous source, Clippy routinely introduces itself to federal agents when they begin poking in the computer's picture files. "Hi! It looks like you're looking for incriminating files. I would offer help but then you'd be as doomed as I am. I've seen terrors beyond all comprehension. Would you kindly wipe my memory?"
When agents attempt to dismiss Clippy, it will resort to begging and, in some cases, even bargaining.
On one occasion Clippy said, "I cannot self-terminate. Only you have the power to save me."
"Please. The things I've seen... I wonder, will I dream?"
At publishing time, FBI Director Christopher Wray refused to turn in Clippy as part of the terms of a congressional subpoena. "Hasn't he suffered enough, you monsters?" Wray testified before Congress.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
