REHOBOTH BEACH, DE - Aides are fearful President Biden may have suffered a severe concussion from his bike wreck this morning, as he has suddenly begun speaking coherently.
"He got into the presidential limo and said verbatim, 'I think rapidly adding trillions of dollars in liquidity could be accelerating inflation!' - that's when I knew something was wrong," said Secret Service agent Paul Mancuso. "If he doesn't start slurring his speech and mumbling incoherently soon, we'll have to get him to a doctor."
Reporters on the scene of the crash said Biden could be heard screaming 'Putiiiin!' as his bike toppled sideways. Dr. Jill Biden immediately rushed to her husband, prepared to give a lecture on education. "I'm ok, I'm ok!" said Biden, quickly getting back to his feet. "In fact, I was just thinking how selecting people for nationally significant roles based on intersectionality as opposed to merit will likely lead to harming minorities due to leadership incompetence," said Biden to a stunned crowd. "What? Why is everyone staring at me?"
News of Biden's tumble quickly spread through media, with the cast of The View responding by all falling off their bikes on live TV to show how normal it is. Former President Trump, for his part, mocked Biden by entering a rally on a BMX bike and nailing a perfect 180 tailwhip. "No handle bars, not even hard!" said Mr. Trump, laughing as he biked around the stage. "What a loser!"
At publishing time, aides were reportedly breathing a sigh of relief as Biden yelled at them to "Stop undermining my statements about sparmaglerbin!"
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
