FORT WORTH, TX - Local 80-year-old Norman Rellis spent the afternoon telling his 79-year-old friend Wallace about how gas used to be two dollars per gallon back when he was Wallace's age.
"Yes sir, way back twelve months ago I could fill up my car for thirty dollars!" said Norman wistfully. "Now I can't afford to fill my tank and the lady at the gas station wants me to call her Bruce. Things sure have changed since I was your age, boy!"
Mr. Rellis went on to regale his friend with several tales of what life was like way back in 2021. "See here youngster, there used to be this thing called 'baby formula'," continued Mr. Rellis. "You could buy it right at the grocery like it was nothing. Speaking of, we also used to be able to buy this food at the grocery called 'bacon'. Tell you what, if someone didn't believe in God, you just gave 'em a strip of bacon and that was that. Ah, those were the days."
The pair went on to reminisce about the good times one year ago when steak was affordable, cross-dressing strippers didn't get invited to schools, and killing babies wasn't Catholic. "Sure was a simpler time," said Mr. Rellis. "Hispanic people weren't even white supremacists yet!"
At publishing time, Wallace was seen telling a 76-year-old buddy how back when he was that age, he had this incredible thing called a "retirement account".
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
