Prosecutors Find Mail-In Jury Votes At 3AM, Rittenhouse Now Guilty

KENOSHA, WI—In a stunning reversal, Kyle Rittenhouse awoke this morning to discover that he had been found guilty after all.

Prosecutors explained that during the night, they had found dozens of mail-in jury votes declaring the defendant guilty on all counts. Apparently, boxes of these mail-in votes arrived in a truck at the courthouse around 3:00 am.

Attorneys for Mr. Rittenhouse were dumbfounded as to how such a thing could have happened, raising questions as to the validity of mail-in jury voting. They stated: “We’ve never heard of this. This isn’t part of the legal system. Where did these votes even come from?”

"How DARE you question the sanctity of our criminal justice system!" cried the prosecuting attorneys. "There is no justice until EVERY vote is counted!"

Prosecutors then explained that it was a new COVID measure they had just instituted. “But given how well it’s worked out,” they said, “we’re planning on making it permanent.”


In the social justice system, words are considered violence. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious attacks are members of an elite squad known as the Microaggression Victims Unit. These are their stories.

Subscribe to The Babylon Bee on YouTube
There are 193 comments on this article.

You must become a premium subscriber or login to view or post comments on this article.

Get the Bee delivered straight to your inbox: