U.S. — After countless hours sifting through tens of thousands of polls, political analysts have determined the underlying reason Vice President Kamala Harris has struggled to connect with male voters is because she's awful.
"Our team performed sophisticated statistical analyses of literally millions of data points and have at last finally identified the root cause of Kamala's difficulties winning the male vote," said lead analyst Mark Shore. "It's because she's completely, abjectly awful."
The surveys of male voters used in the analysis asked a wide range of questions in an attempt to ascertain precisely which issues were hurting Harris. "After sorting through men's views on her policies for the economy, foreign affairs, national security, and education, we have determined the problem is that Kamala is horrible," explained statistician Dr. Stan Barber. "She's just so, so bad. It's really weighing her down, being the absolute worst."
In response to the research, aides with the Harris campaign have broached the idea that perhaps Kamala should try not being awful. "We really think we could connect with more male voters if perhaps Kamala would stop being so terrible," said campaign advisor Lisa Matthews. "It's interesting, these voters seem to really value a candidate not being totally appalling in every way. It would be a big strategy shift."
At publishing time, researchers had announced they had discovered that Tim Walz was struggling with male voters because he's a giant fruitcake.
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