NEW YORK CITY, NY — Yankees outfielder Aaron Judge has hit his 62nd home run, setting the American League single-season record for someone with a normal-sized head.
"This record means the world to me," said Judge. "For years, I was made fun of for having a normal-sized head when compared to greats like Barry Bonds. Well, who's laughing now?" said Judge through a toothy-yet-proportionate grin from beneath a proper-sized helmet on his average-sized head.
Baseball commissioner Rob Manfred issued a statement celebrating the accomplishment. "All head sizes matter," said Manfred, "but it is particularly notable for someone with a head not enlarged by massive amounts of steroids to do what Judge has done. Incredible."
Not everyone was pleased. "Aaron Judge represents a lame, wussified generation of ball players too afraid to inject anabolic steroids, human growth hormone, post-cycle therapy drugs, and amphetamines," said one Pittsburgh Pirates fan. "I miss the good ol' days when our baseball players were lugging around these comically massive giant heads. Made them easier to see from my cheap seats, too."
Barry Bonds could not be reached for comment. The Yankees play the Rangers in Arlington this afternoon.
Watch as a fired Twitter employee applies for her first *actual* job: