NASHVILLE, TN — This week, U.S. President Joe Biden called into the radio show of personal finance guru Dave Ramsey, asking for financial advice for paying off his $31 trillion debt.
"You spent WHAT??? You need a BUDGET, buster – you've been spending money you don't have, and you're BROKE!" Ramsey roared into his headset and upset his paperwork on the table, hurling his pen across the room after the caller admitted that the total debt amounted to $31 trillion. "$31 trillion dollars? With a "T"? You'd better get ready for beans and rice, rice and beans while you're working through the 7 Ramsey Solutions baby steps to get out of this big STUPID mess you've made!"
At first, the call had proceeded according to Ramsey's normal rhythm of uncovering, asking probing questions, followed by targeted recommendations for reaching financial freedom. Things derailed, however, when the caller elaborated on what had initially been positioned as a "small deficit," owning up to spending $6 trillion per year while making only $4 trillion per year, causing Ramsey to explode. "You spent two TRILLION more than you make? You got a freaking credit card from CHINA? WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"
The caller had tried to interject excuses, blaming "MAGA Republicans" and "deer wearing kevlar vests" and "corn pop," but Ramsey was having none of it. He bellowed into his headset "You need to buy a lot of envelopes for these trillions because you've been living dumb. D-U-M-B DUMB!"
Ramsey had softened as the caller began whimpering, and switched tactics, painting the idyllic picture of how good it would feel to "tell the money where to go instead of wondering where it went." He encouraged the caller that getting on a budget would "feel like getting a raise," which seemed to comfort the caller, who began to gently purr, snore, and sniff.
According to sources, the caller has since been enrolled in Financial Peace University, sent a copy of "Total Money Makeover," and been gifted a premium subscription to the EveryDollar app for aides to drag and drop every transaction of the $31 trillion debt, in keeping with the budget set up by the personalized plan from a Ramsey Solutions coach.
At publishing time, the national debt had climbed to $58 trillion.
Kyle Mann was just minding his own business, when- BOOP! A wild Gender Fairy appeared!