911 Will Now Require White Callers To Press 1 To Check Their Privilege

U.S.—After weeks of hearing calls for police reform, local and state police departments across the country are finally making strides toward fairness and justice in policing. One major reform sweeping the nation involves changing the way dispatchers allocate police resources. Thanks to new technology, 911 operators can now require callers to press "1" to check their white privilege before any police officers are approved to arrive on the scene.

After white people currently being attacked or murdered press 1, they will be walked through 20-30 minutes of questions to expose their racial biases before they can receive help.

"It used to be that whenever someone called the police, we would just show up," said Minneapolis Police Chief Rayford McMustache. "That's totally lame and outdated now. It was the old way of doing things before we evolved. It's time to be better. The world is more complicated. Now we can use cutting edge technology to gather race, gender, sexual orientation, and political party data on every victim who calls 911. Our algorithm compiles all this data into an intersectional oppression score so we can determine whether the caller deserves police protection or not! Amazing!"

911 operators are also being trained in culturally sensitive de-escalation techniques, breathing exercises, and yoga poses they will teach to callers, helping them to de-escalate situations non-violently.

According to law enforcement officials, 911 operators will also be able to gather data on people of color. If a black person calls the police, dispatchers will no longer send cops. Instead, they will play soothing whale sounds set to relaxing spa music over the phone, creating a non-threatening aura. 

Get Free Access To Our Brand New Site: Not the Bee

After creating The Babylon Bee in six literal days, Adam Ford rested. But he rests no longer. Introducing Not the Bee — a brand new humor-based news site run by Adam himself. It's loaded with funny content and all the best features of a social network. And the best part? Everyone with a subscription to The Bee gets full access at no extra cost.

Get FREE Access

*with premium subscription to The Babylon Bee

There are 42 comments on this article.

You must become a premium subscriber or login to view or post comments on this article.