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College is an essential part of your education if you ever want to achieve your dream of being an evil criminal mastermind, a corrupt political mastermind, or performing heart transplants on monkeys. But getting into the right college can be tough!

Here are some foolproof tips:

1) Be less white: Maybe try getting a really deep tan to fake it.

2) Be Black or, to a lesser extent, Hispanic: Just don't be Asian!

3) Be fewer white: We really can't stress this enough.

4) Make sure you're taking your daily dose of Soma: Orgy-porgy, Ford and fun - all the future politicians are doing it.

5) Chop your legs off for disability points: All ivy league schools grade on a disability curve. Wealth also counts as a disability because, like with autism, you can't connect with people.

6) Put made-up, unpronounceable pronouns after your name: They'd have to be a bigot to not admit a thxy/thyym!

7) Go on a spiritual journey to discover your indigenous heritage: Just like Elizabeth Warren.

8) Have your parents bribe admissions $50,000 to pretend you're a rower: Surprisingly effective!

9) Ace your SAT, secure 3 letters of recommendation, craft a masterpiece Statement Of Intent, write a compelling personal statement, demonstrate a track record of leadership in your community, show a history of serving others, and discuss your passion for knowledge and what you will do with your education, and then be a minority so your application gets read!: Trust us, it works!

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