It's almost Easter, or as we at The Babylon Bee like to call it, the Seeker-Sensitive Super Bowl! You'll have potentially hundreds of visitors in your pews who wouldn't normally come to church, so you'd better be ready with some really great stuff to effectively entice them toward Christ.
As always, we're here to help. Here are six ways you can honor the resurrected Christ with your Easter service extravaganza!
1.) Blast visitors in the face with T-shirt cannons. T-shirt giveaways are a staple of any true church's Easter service, of course. But why not up the ante? Buy a T-shirt cannon and have your pastoral staff roam throughout the crowd and just blast visitors right in the face with them when they least expect it. Classic!
2.) Show hilarious movie clips. What better way to show the weight of what was accomplished by our Savior on the bloody cross and in the empty tomb than a clip from Happy Gilmore?
3.) Invite Lady Gaga to preach. If you have a regular pastor-dude preach, there's a really good chance your audience checks out before you get past your introduction. Instead, invite a guest preacher. Might we suggest Lady Gaga? She's relevant, hip, trendy, and accepting - and she was born that way!
4.) Hire a helicopter to drop bags of cash from the sky. Lots of churches do a lame easter egg hunt. Booooooooriiiiiiiing. Instead, you should spend thousands of dollars to hire a helicopter, stuff it with bags full of cash, and have it fly over the church lawn and drop bags of cash on churchgoers. Make it rain, baby!
5.) Give away expensive cars, private jets, and luxury yachts. No one wants to come to your boring Easter service unless you promise that you're going to have a mega-awesome giveaway. But tickets for sporting events and big-screen TVs just don't cut it anymore. In the ultra-competitive church market, you've got to stand out. Give away the title to a few Bentleys, a Gulfstream or two, and even a 100-foot luxury mega yacht, to ensure your church is just that much more awesome than the other churches in your area.
6.) Dispense pithy advice and insights in lieu of preaching Christ crucified. People don't come to your Easter service to hear about atonement, wrath, the sin that separates us from God, and the way of salvation that He made for us. Rather, they want to find out how to achieve a healthy balance and live a more victorious life. Go ahead and just cut out all that gospel, and replace it with really pragmatic insights about how to manage a busy schedule.
There you have it - you're on your way. This is going to be the best Easter service ever!