WASHINGTON, D.C.—The White House confirmed Tuesday night that press secretary Sean Spicer will deliver all future press briefings with his mouth bound by at least one layer of industrial-grade duct tape.
The new policy was reportedly instituted after a string of embarrassing gaffes committed by Spicer over the past several days, including a poorly thought-out comparison between Adolf Hitler and Bashar al-Assad and an apparent flub in which he stated that President Trump was attempting to “destabilize” the Middle East.
A number of White House aides have been tasked with holding Spicer down before each public session as they firmly place the duct tape over his mouth until all parties are confident that no asinine comments or misrepresentations can possibly escape from his mouth and be understood by a member of the press.
A Wednesday morning briefing proved a success for the new program after the press secretary committed no gaffes and said nothing untruthful, responding to questions by angrily gesturing toward the silver tape covering his mouth while staring intently at members of the press and breathing loudly through his nose.
Breaking: Paypal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.