So you’re a women’s leader, and you want to take your ministry to the next level. We’ve got you covered. If you follow these five steps, you can not only make your women’s ministry totally fetch, you also stand a chance of becoming a nationally known authority on women’s ministry in the church! Millions of Christian ladies will pay hundreds of dollars to hear you tell funny stories about your kids in giant arenas. Talk about living the dream, are we right?
Now let’s get to work!
1.) Constantly follow your church’s women around and whisper in their ears that they’re God’s special little princess. Whether a lady at your church is walking through the foyer, sitting down in the church service, or lying down to go to sleep in her own bed, pop out of nowhere and whisper in her ear that she’s “God’s girl” or a “heavenly princess” so she’ll know she’s amazing just the way she is.
2.) Throw a differently themed tea party or arts & craft night each day of the year. Your job isn’t really to minister to women. It’s actually to be a party planner! You’d better throw some absolutely adorable tea parties, arts & crafts sessions, and spa nights if you want your ladies to follow Jesus!
3.) Condemn the really bad sins, but make sure to make light of silly sins like gossip and envy. Use lots of illustrations in your lessons (remember, don’t call ’em sermons) where you make light of your addiction to spending thousands of dollars on crap you don’t need at Macy’s every paycheck. As long as you make sure your women don’t do really bad sins like murder or genocide, you’re golden.
4.) Just put all the women in a room with some Nicolas Sparks movies and let them go nuts. Go ahead and rent The Notebook, A Walk to Remember, Safe Haven, and The Best of Me, lock all your church’s ladies in the fellowship hall, and let the discipleship happen. Really spiritual women’s ministers will try to find connections to the gospel in the way that Mandy Moore saves Shane West from a life of rowdy hooliganism. The movie’s even got Switchfoot in it, for goodness’ sake! Watching that bad boy is almost better than going to church!
5.) NEVER let them actually study the Bible, for the love of all that is holy. It would be very dangerous if women ever got God’s Word directly from the Bible instead of through watered-down Bible studies with names like “Your Frazzled Life” or “You’re A Sweet Little Princess, Sista!” or “You Guyyyysss I Just Can’t Even With The Laundry Today!” Make sure all truths from the Word of God are tweaked and twisted so that they are all about your women’s first-world problems.
Why are you still sitting there? It’s time to bump up the jam, honey!