LINDALE, TX — Brandon Morris, a 37-year-old Texas native, became distracted from his work Thursday after suddenly remembering he was supposed to be worrying about the hole in the ozone layer.
"Oh no," Morris said, the words involuntarily escaping his lips like ultraviolet radiation through a hole in the ozone. "This is bad, isn't it?"
According to sources, Morris immediately moved to the master bathroom and promptly destroyed his wife's hairspray bottles. He then threw his car keys as far as he could into the woods behind his house so that he would never be tempted to drive an emission-producing vehicle ever again.
"I can't sell it because then someone else will kill the earth," Morris later told his family. "Think of the chlorofluorocarbons, Jane!"
Morris later apologized for his rash behavior but admitted he was still troubled. "Ok, so death isn't imminent — but I haven't thought about it in decades. Think of all the hairspray I could have not been using all these years."
"At least two bottles worth," he confirmed.
At publishing time, Brandon Morris had been reassured after learning that the hole in the ozone layer was smaller than it was when first discovered in the 1980s and that it was over Antarctica. He is now in the woods searching for his keys.
DOGE is here, and Elon and Vivek will eliminate millions of government positions