WASHINGTON, D.C. — With Democrats across the country embroiled in vicious infighting, antisemitism, and takeovers of college campuses, Republicans have decided to remedy their impending victory by attacking the First Amendment.
"We realized that things were going well for us, so we took corrective action immediately," said Mike Johnson, while at the bank cashing his latest check from a Ukrainian lobbyist. "We thought: 'What can we do that will immediately enrage our most loyal voters while simultaneously preventing the self-destruction of the Democrat Party?' Of course, the most obvious choice was to pass a law against free speech. Mission accomplished!"
Sources say the new antisemitism bill passed by the House will soon be struck down by federal courts, but should still do the job of necessarily injuring the Republican Party in an election year.
"This is the decisive leadership our party needs," said Congressman Crenshaw while adjusting his brand-new clown nose. "Hey check out how loud my clown nose can honk! HONK HONK!"
At publishing time, Republicans had announced next week's plans to also attack the Second Amendment.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
