Amidst the eyebrow-raising claims and unintelligible shouting, President Joe Biden also proposed twelve new taxes during his State of the Union Address on Tuesday night. In addition to boosting a lagging economy by further oppressing taxpayers, Biden hopes to improve public morale by taking more of their money and sending it to Ukraine.
Here is a brief rundown of new taxes proposed by President Biden:
- Tax on the Rich: People who make more than $30K per year must pay their fair share.
- Tax on the Poor: You can't keep people dependent upon the government without keeping them poor.
- Child Tax: Every third child born will be given to the federal government.
- Animal Crossing Tax: A tax on all profits from selling turnips.
- Chick-Fil-A Sauce Tax: A tax on each packet of sauce requested at Chick-Fil-A.
- Keep-Your-Gender Tax: If you like your gender, you can keep your gender…for a price.
- Amazon Return Tax: Wives across the United States will be hit hard with taxes on each return.
- Thursday Tax: Every Thursday. Pay up, folks.
- Meal Tax: Only truly wealthy people need to eat multiple times every day. Now there will be a tax on any subsequent meal.
- Emoji Tax: With so many people communicating by emoji, it needs to be regulated and, you guessed it, taxed.
- Toilet Paper Square Tax: With so many shortages of basic goods, the government will crack down on multiple square usage. Don't be greedy!
- Tax Tax: In order to crank up revenue, the government will now require you to pay taxes on your taxes.
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Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.