LOS ANGELES, CA — A frightened young boy refused to go to sleep last night until his mother checked underneath the bed to see if Madonna was lurking there. The boy, Trevor Birch, stayed up late Sunday night and accidentally caught a glimpse of the "Like a Virgin" singer, giving him horrific night terrors ever since.
"He's really been terrified since seeing her face," said Trevor's mother, Amy. "It really was an accident. We weren't even watching the Grammys — I mean, let's face it, who does? But during the 10 o'clock news, they showed a brief shot of Madonna. Trevor has been mentally scarred ever since."
Though the legendary pop singer has denounced photographs of her from the Grammys as being distorted, millions of people have had their minds damaged by images they aren't able to unsee. "I wish I could erase the picture from his memory," Amy continued. "To know that my son is going to have to grow up in constant fear that Madonna is going to get him breaks my heart. I hate the idea of having to look for her under his bed every night, because, in all honesty…she scares me too."
After confirming Madonna was not under the bed, Trevor agreed to have the lights turned out and went to sleep, but every time something in the house made a noise, he was certain the singer would come creeping into his room to end his life.
At publishing time, Trevor's parents were searching online for a child counselor who specializes in Madonna-related trauma.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.