Speculation over who will be the next occupant of the Holy See has gone wild, with President Trump the latest to throw his name into the ring. Here are twelve changes Trump is promising to make if he is named the next Pope:
Communion wine will now be replaced with Diet Coke: Alcohol shall never touch Trump's lips.
Big-Macs will now be allowed on Friday during Lent: Thank you, Pope Donald.
The song "YMCA" will be declared an official hymn: Mass is about to get a lot more exciting.
The face of Trump will be painted over the face of Adam in the Sistine Chapel: Beautiful.
The Orthodox will get bought out in a hostile takeover immediately: Get ready, beard-face.
The Bible will be changed so all references to Joseph say "Sleepy Joe": "And the angel appeared to Sleepy Joe in a dream, since he was, of course, asleep..."
The Art of the Deal will be promulgated ex cathedra immediately: It's pretty much inspired writ, anyway.
Any saint who was martyred loses sainthood for being a wimp: Sad!
Orange will now be the liturgical color of Easter, Pentecost, and Advent: Gorgeous.
Massive tariffs will be levied against purgatory: We will have so much better terms on time spent in purgatory, believe me.
Confessions must now begin with confessing your favorite Pope: Hint: It's Pope Donald.
The "Popemobile" will be replaced with the "Holy Cybertruck": Huge upgrade.
Sounds like Trump's Papacy will be even more Catholic than Francis' was. Did we miss any reforms Trump could bring?
Brynnleigh is on a mission to stop America from becoming… well, America.
