With open warfare on every suburban American street imminent, you may find yourself wondering what you can do to best prepare yourself and your family for the coming hellacious experience of war.
The Babylon Bee is here to offer the following list of steps to help you get ready for the eagerly anticipated release of Civil War 2: The Sequel.
- Watch all the John Wick movies and take notes: Just do everything exactly the way Keanu does and you'll be fine.
- Get your Gettysburg reenactment uniform dry-cleaned so you'll look good when the shooting starts: A soldier who dresses well will fight well.
- Spend a weekend in Chicago: It'll help you get used to living in a hellish landscape full of rubble, constant gunfire, and dead bodies.
- Hit up this Friday's sale at Bass Pro: Camo, guns, and all the ammunition you can get.
- Learn how to play a snare drum: A good drummer boy can do wonders for soldier morale.
- Train at least 3 hours per day on Call of Duty: Everyone will look to the basement-dwelling video game nerds as the next generation of tactical leaders.
- Clear out the trees to remove any cover and concealment for a 100-yard kill zone all around your yard with sandbag fortifications in at least 4 strategic locations giving you a 360-degree field of fire and then light the entire area and install trip wires connected to claymores: You can easily knock this out on a Saturday afternoon.
- Watch a YouTube video on how to safely amputate a leg: You can learn anything online.
- Finish building that F-15 fighter jet in your garage: Like Biden says, it's your only real weapon against the government.
- Get your wife pregnant ASAP: After the war, it'll be up to you to repopulate the earth.
Follow the list above and you'll be all set for the tearing of the very fabric of our nation. Make sure to save all of your letters to and from your loved ones, they'll come in handy when Ken Burns makes his documentary.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
