MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Major airline carriers throughout the United States announced this week they will be offering passengers upgrades to have a gray-haired old man named Steve pilot their flight.
"This has nothing to do with race or DEI," Delta spokesperson Tim Alexander told reporters. "We just feel like some of our passengers would prefer an old pilot with maybe one of those dated little mustaches. For an extra one hundred bucks, they can guarantee that whoever is flying the plane also likes a good game of golf with the boys on the weekends, enjoys pickleball with his wife, and attends the occasional classic car show, if you know what I mean…"
Other airlines joined Delta in allowing customers to choose a pilot named Steve or Dale or someone else who most likely attended Brigham Young University or Florida State in the '70s.
"We feel some passengers might prefer a pilot who passed his check ride the first time around and has a few thousand flight hours in the military under his belt," United Airlines spokesperson Susan Swanson said. "With everything in the news these days about doors flying off and engines spontaneously combusting, we figure passengers might at least like to know their pilot is one of those Sully Sullenberger-types with white hair who could land the plane in a river if the need arises."
As of publishing time, an overwhelming one hundred percent of all airline passengers had paid for the upgrade, with a few customers expressing interest in an additional upgrade to ensure all of their flight attendants are straight, thin, perky blonde ladies with a slight southern accent and names like Pam or Darla.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
