AUSTIN, TX — Governor Greg Abbott reportedly formed a posse of lawmen, bounty hunters, and notable politicians to capture the ne'er-do-well Democrat lawmakers who fled the state and bring them back to Texas — Dead or Alive.
"We're gonna' get them ruffians and drag 'em back here to face the mighty hand of justice," Abbott said, spinning a lasso with one hand and hoisting his hat high above his head with the other.
The posse reportedly consisted of Texas Rangers, Senator Ted Cruz, former Texas Governor Rick Perry, White House Border Czar Tom Homan, and Rooster Cogburn.
"You tell them Dems I'm comin' and hell's comin' with me, you hear?" Cruz shouted, firing a double-barreled shotgun into the air. "Hell's comin' with me!"
According to sources, the posse intended to make their way up north to the city of Chicago, where they were expected to clash with Democrats from all over the country. "It's dangerous country," said Homan, who previously served as acting director of ICE. "That's why I lassoed this Mexican to take us there safely. He will be our guide in the harsh Democratic wilderness."
Large numbers of women were in attendance to bid the posse farewell and good luck on their journey. Abbott chuckled as his wife begged him not to go. "Little lady, don't you fret," he said. "I ain't fixin' to die. I'm fixin' to kill."
At publishing time, the posse had reportedly hit an obstacle on its journey and was pinned down in a gunfight against Elizabeth Warren and her marauding band of Indian Comanches.
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