WASHINGTON, D.C. — In testimony before the United States Congress, Ivy League presidents showed off nice new mustaches while explaining to House members that not all calls for mass murder are wrong.
"Some chanting for fellow students to die is okay - it's all about context," explained Penn president Liz McGill, adjusting her Swastika armband. "You have to consider the context of the three of us goose-stepping into Congress chanting 'Final Solution'."
According to sources, the three presidents arrived at Congress each driving Panzer tanks and surrounded by "SS" bodyguards. After warmly saluting each other, the three women carefully affixed Iron Crosses to their blouses and headed inside. Each of the three Ivy League presidents then took turns explaining why chanting to lynch minorities is not harassment. "Did you not hear that we're talking about Jews??" laughed Harvard President Claudine Gray. "When you're deciding if cheering for the death of a minority is wrong, you have to consider the minority. Obviously you can't call for killing gays or African Americans. Killing Asians -- maybe. But these are Jews! There is only one solution, intifada revolution!!"
At publishing time, the Ivy League presidents had agreed that the KKK could hold anti-Jew rallies on campus, so long as they replaced their white hoods with checkered scarves.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
