FAYETTEVILLE, AR — As the December days began to tick away, a local man grew so desperate in his attempt to buy his wife a great Christmas gift that he decided to reach out to the National Security Agency to find out what she wants.
"I figured it's my best shot," said Willard McBane. "She's always so difficult to buy for, and she doesn't ever give me any hints, so I knew I needed to bring the NSA in on this one."
At first, Willard's attempts to ask for help were subtle. "I just started speaking out loud whenever I was around my phone or near our Amazon Alexa," he said. "I'd just wonder aloud to myself ‘Gee, I wonder what Margaret wants for Christmas this year.' It didn't seem to yield any results, so I decided I needed to contact the NSA directly."
A spokesman for the NSA acknowledged that the agency began receiving phone calls and emails from McBane last week. "Yes, I can confirm that we were contacted by a Mr. Willard McBane," said Agent Dan Henry. "I am not at liberty to divulge the details of our conversations with Mr. McBane at this time, nor am I able to confirm whether or not we advised him that his wife would really love a 64-ounce Stanley Quencher insulated tumbler with a straw, preferably in the Rose Quartz Glow color."
At publishing time, Willard had reportedly received the information he was seeking and had also advised the NSA that he would appreciate it if they would somehow get word to Margaret that he would prefer it if she stopped putting green peppers in her chili.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
