Keeping You Safe: Here Are 10 More Dangerous Jan 6 Criminals The FBI Just Arrested
Sponsored · Dec 5, 2023 · BabylonBee.com

Brought to you by: Siaka Massaquoi Legal Defense Fund

As we draw near to yet another anniversary of the most horrific day in our nation's history, we can all rest a bit easier knowing the righteous and completely not corrupt FBI is continuing to round up the heinous evildoers who dared to participate in unarmed, leisurely protest at the U.S. Capitol on January 6, 2021.

Here is a list of more truly disgusting criminals who have been arrested by the FBI in connection with Jan 6:


12-year-old Sally, who once liked a Donald Trump tweet: It was an accidental "like" on her mom's phone back in 2015, but still. Terrorist.


This baby wearing a MAGA hat: There are no two things Democrats hate more — a baby who was allowed to be born alive and a red MAGA baseball cap.


Uncle Dave, who was overheard yelling "Wooo hooo!" while sitting on his couch and watching the Jan 6 riot on TV: Yes, he lives in Montana and was 2,000 miles away when it happened, but he clearly participated in the insurrection.


This literal Nazi cyborg who viciously murdered AOC: Even today, she is unable to recount the day of her death without breaking down.


The Chiefs kid who painted half his face black: Yes, this just happened a couple of weeks ago, but if anyone is carrying on the frightening spirit of Jan 6, it's this kid.


This toddler, who was in his mother's womb as she strolled politely through the Capitol: An existential threat to democracy.


This tumbleweed that blew into a door being held open by a Capitol Police officer: Tumbleweeds are usually seen in Western films. You know what's racist? Western films.


This Tamagotchi that was carried into the Capitol in the pocket of a MAGA protestor: This little gadget will now be fed and cared for in its own solitary confinement cell.


This Capitol Police officer who shot an unarmed woman in the neck: Haha, just kidding, he's good.


This terrifying black man who starred in funny stuff like Babylon Bee sketches and also other stuff like a Daily Wire movie: Americans can now breathe a sigh of relief. Democracy is safe.


The list above is obviously not exhaustive, as the FBI will continue to arrest nonviolent Jan 6 participants for many years to come, ushering in a new era of peace and prosperity the likes of which have never been seen since the Galactic Empire.


NOT SATIRE: On Thursday, November 30th, The Babylon Bee's own Siaka Massaquoi and his pregnant wife, Charlotte, were headed home on a flight returning from the Daily Wire Lady Ballers movie premier in Nashville, Tennessee. Upon their arrival, Siaka was separated from his wife and abruptly arrested by the FBI. At the time, Charlotte was told the charges had to do with January 6th; however, she was not presented with any arrest warrant. Siaka was taken to Monterey Park Jail where he stayed overnight and was told that he was being charged for four misdemeanors pertaining to his presence outside of the Capital Building in Washington, D.C. on January 6th.

Siaka and his family are God-fearing citizens. They have served their community through various avenues, and Siaka is currently the LAGOP Vice Chairman. His wife has been a tremendous support to him and is now expecting their first child in March of 2024. Since the FBI raid on his home nearly three years ago, they have feared that this day might come, in which the government would charge him for something he didn't do. He has been scrutinized at airports for several years but has never been formally charged for anything.

This family has been through so many ups and downs, a circus would be a more appropriate term for the turmoil and unnecessary display of government overreach that they have had to endure. If you are willing and able, we are asking for financial support to assist with possible bail and upcoming legal defense fees, which will be very costly. At the very least, please continue to keep Siaka, Charlotte, and Baby Massaquoi in prayer as they press on through this challenging circumstance.


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