SCRANTON, PA — Female athlete Kelly Baker was expelled from her university this week after refusing to have her skull fractured by a man, reports claim. During a press conference, she was officially rebuked as a bigot which, according to NCAA guidelines, bars her from joining a competing school.
"I just don't want to have my skull crushed, that's all," said Baker in a statement. "I believe every person is made with equal dignity, and I am not in any way afraid of trans people. I am, however, afraid of brain hemorrhages. I'm sorry, but I'm only going to do karate against other women."
Baker was officially removed from the team after she declined to fight a 250-pound man named "Julianna", who sent his past three female opponents to the hospital with broken craniums. "It was so dehumanizing how Kelly didn't let me bash her face in," said Julianna, formerly known as "Gary". "Karate is all about technique, anyways. If Kelly cannot handle getting a subdural hematoma from a beautiful woman like me, she needs to get out of the sport."
According to sources, Julianna holds the record for most broken bones in a single karate tournament, but gender experts maintain this has nothing to do with higher testosterone levels.
At publishing time, Julianna had been crowned champion of the tournament as all of the other competitors were unconscious.
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