SHANKSVILLE, PA — The day-to-day grind of the presidential campaign trail was turned upside down today, as in a brief moment of lucidity, President Joe Biden endorsed former President Donald Trump.
The stunning incident was the first momentary instance of Biden showing any sense of clarity, coherence, and good judgment, as he paused to put on a "TRUMP 2024" baseball cap during a campaign stop at a local fire station.
"Listen, folks. Here's the deal. You know who to vote for," Biden said to the assembled crowd. "It's been a long time since I felt this… since I felt… since… since this… and I like it. I've never felt this strongly about something as I'm feeling right now. You see this hat? This is the hat. It's the hat that will… all of the… every time, they said. So, let me be clear. Vote for Donald Trump. He'll do what's best for every American… all three hundred million… billion million… six hundred and fifty… thousands billion. Langpordinafitsarber…"
Biden was then quickly whisked away by Secret Service agents and members of Kamala Harris's campaign staff. A spokesperson issued a brief statement to the media after the event. "Pay no attention to what you saw here moments ago," said campaign staffer Carrie Stupert. "Any claims that Joe Biden put on a ‘TRUMP 2024' hat and said anything is misinformation. Russia! That's it — it had to be Russia."
At publishing time, the Justice Department issued a warning to anyone sharing photos or video of Biden wearing the baseball cap that doing so would be punishable by several decades in federal prison.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
