U.S. — Democrats have officially begun to panic as, against all odds, President Joe Biden is still not dead.
As polls persistently show Trump leading President Biden in both the popular vote and electoral college, Democrats have become increasingly anxious that Biden may survive to November. "He was supposed to bite the dust months ago," sighed top Democratic political operative Dan Scarborough. "Everything has gone perfectly to plan these last four years. Biden wins from his basement, then his body begins shutting down right on schedule... but the guy just won't die. It's looking dire."
In lieu of Biden dying, Democrats hoped he could be reasoned with to make way for a stronger candidate. "We tried to tell Joe that he's done great and it's time to move on, but he won't budge," said Democratic strategist Lisa Hanes. "He just laughs, grabs another vanilla cone, and starts arguing with the ghost of Lyndon Johnson. We may have gotten more than we bargained for nominating a dementia patient."
With Biden holding firm on running for a second term, Democrats have begun trying to place the President in increasingly dangerous situations. "We've got sandbags strategically placed all over the Rose Garden," said Scarborough. "We installed random stairways throughout the White House. For goodness' sake, we've fed an elderly man literally gallons of ice cream every day, his arteries are half-filled with chocolate chips. How has Joe not kicked the bucket? How??"
At publishing time, Democratic strategists had been spotted placing banana peels at every doorway in the West Wing.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
