DENVER, CO — A local girl poured out her heart and soul to her parents this week, expressing deep-seated dreams of one day being overweight and ugly enough to be a Target model.
The little girl's aspirations, grown out of years spent staring at Target advertisements in print and online, had built up to the point that she was afraid her natural good looks may hold her back from ever achieving the goal.
"Someday… someday!" she whispered to her parents after telling them of her life's ambition. "I may be cute and beautiful right now, but with any luck, I'll hit an awkward stage that I never fully grow out of, or I'll fall victim to some awful accident, and then I'll finally be ugly enough to be a Target model!"
"And what if I just can't gain weight? Oh, it's hopeless!"
While the girl's parents sought to remain supportive of their daughter's dream, they made practical attempts to manage her expectations. "You know honey, being a Target model isn't for everyone," her mother said. "Some girls are just too attractive to make it there. It's ok, sweetheart. I'm sure you'll find something you love to do when you grow up, even if you aren't hideous enough to model for Target."
"Your mother's right, princess," her father said. "Just remember, even if you're never objectionable enough to be a Target model, you'll always be just the right amount of ugly for us."
At publishing time, the girl was researching the effects of meth addiction to determine if that may be a viable pathway to Target model-caliber ugliness.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
