PALM BEACH, FL — In the wake of what appears to be a second assassination attempt on Donald Trump, Democrats across the country have stepped forward to accuse the Republican presidential candidate of inciting further violence by not dying in either of the two previous assassination attempts.
According to Hakeem Jeffries, the Democrat leader of the House, Trump is to blame for the ongoing nature of the violence directed toward him, as he consistently fails to die at the hands of crazed left-wing attempted assassins.
"As the Democratic party of the United States, we hereby censure and condemn Donald J. Trump for consistently, audaciously, and shamelessly inciting violence by not dying," Jeffries said. "We do not support the hateful, probably racist behavior of America's Probably Hitler and we call upon him to stop the ongoing political assassination attempts on his life by just dying in one of them. Is that too much to ask?"
Other Democrats have spoken out with mostly peaceful rhetoric against Trump's knack for surviving loony Democrat-enflamed assassins with guns, calling Trump "worse than Goebbels and Hitler rolled into one." While a few are in favor of calming the public discourse, most Democrats agree that the only way to stop the problem of Trump continuing to survive assassination attempts is to keep addressing him as "Literal Hitler."
At publishing time, Trump had survived yet another assassination attempt, causing Democrats to accuse him of overthrowing democracy by continuing to exist.
Liberal Brynnleigh travels back to 1933 Germany to erase a certain stain on humanity.
