KYIV — In a major breakthrough in the ongoing war with Russia, Ukraine has developed a new weapon powered by one of its most abundant renewable resources — American dollars.
The Kunis II Rocket (named in honor of the famous Ukrainian actress who starred with Danny Masterson on "That 70's Show") burns piles of U.S. currency to propel it toward its target. Green energy advocates are especially pleased with the new missile since the fuel it burns is literally green.
Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy, with two y's, commented on the weapon saying, "Thanks to this powerful new tool we are sure to defeat Putin this year, or next year, or the year after that, or something." A top Ukrainian scientist explained how the system operates, saying, "Not to get too technical, but the money is crammed up the rocket's money hole and ignited with a cigarette. It can then travel up to 40 kilometers per billion dollars." Since no American is sure what a "kilometer" is, the Senate voted to keep sending Ukraine as much money as they need, forever.
Despite the consistent U.S. support, Ukraine has still not received enough money to propel the missile into Russian territory, so have thus far been using it to strategically blow up their own roads, bridges, and pipelines.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
