WASHINGTON, D.C. — Former President Donald Trump successfully reversed a previous decision by a panel of three DC circuit judges — who rejected his claims of immunity for alleged crimes committed during his presidency — by speaking gibberish and shaking hands with invisible people.
"We can't prosecute him now," said one judge who couldn't stop thinking of Trump as an adorable old man. "Look at him; he's just a kind old grandpa. Old people don't commit crimes."
In addition to talking nonsense and shaking hands with the air, Trump reportedly soiled his pants. Political experts agree that, even if he was faking it, the amount of pride he had to swallow to debase himself like that demonstrated a growing maturity. "And that's kind of cool," said Fox News' Sean Hannity.
"No one is more badehkefkehr than me," Trump said, according to court documents. "It's because I'm the prime minister of [inadaudible mumbling] and the Dunk Twins. You know, I met them in Egypt when I was looking for a good taco. Not a joke, believe me. Everyone says so, Jack. End of quote. Repeat the line."
Trump supporters maintain that it was all an act, that Trump is not approaching senility and was involved in a high-stakes game of 4D Chess.
"He merely pretended to be insane in their presence; and while he was in their hands he acted like a madman, making marks on the courthouse doors and letting saliva run down his beautiful, chiseled features," said Mike Lindell, founder and CEO of My Pillow. "I'm sure of it!"
At publishing time, Rudy Giuliani claimed Trump owed him $2M in legal fees for the idea.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
