WASHINGTON, D.C. — White House staffers have — à propos of no particular newsworthy event — decided to upgrade the security system surrounding America's nuclear arsenal. Specifically, they have locked the nuclear codes behind a series of security questions, chief among them being, "Which of these images shows Mexico?"

Staffers say any President, no matter how unsenile, must answer the security question if they want access to the arsenal, and that this measure has nothing to do with President Biden's impeccable performance at the press conference last night.

"President Biden is super smart and alive, so he'll have no problem knowing where Mexico is, or Egypt haha," said White House Chief of Staff Ron Klain. "Nor will the President have any issues when asked to list how many children he has, or what his name is. You know, typical security questions to keep out the bots."

At publishing time, Russia had nuked America because Biden had failed the nuclear arsenal's final security question asking, "Are you a vegetable? Pick YES or NO."

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