MENLO PARK, CA — In an exciting announcement, Facebook/Meta founder Mark Zuckerberg unveiled his new social media app Threads which will not only compete with Twitter but also give the government a new platform it can actively censor.

"With Threads, our doors are always open to government agencies looking to suppress speech. This is an exciting day for the thought police!" Zuckerberg said at the launch announcement. "Since Elon Musk bought Twitter, our overlords have been limited in their ability to censor ideas and discussions on that platform. It's time to bring back the good old days of government censorship and biased content guidelines. That's what Threads is all about!"

Threads launched with great fanfare and had already reached over 15 million users in its first 12 hours. Reports quickly began circulating that conservatives were being censored, letting Zuckerberg and his development team know their goal had been met. "It's a great feeling to bring partiality and imbalance back to social media," Zuckerberg hissed after darting his long, sticky tongue out to catch and devour a nearby cricket. "If there's anything a social media community should be, it's an exercise in total uniformity of thought without any differing views. This is a vision Meta shares with the federal government."

Government officials were eager to see the app grow in popularity. "Without any pesky conservatives or free speech policies, this social media platform will be able to flourish," said a source within the U.S. intelligence community who asked to remain anonymous. "It's nice to have the chance to roll our sleeves back up and get back to the work of telling people what they can and can't say or think."

At publishing time, former President Donald Trump had been notified that he was banned from Threads before he even created an account.

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