NEW YORK, NY — The controversial Environmental, Social, and Governance (ESG) ratings system for businesses made popular by BlackRock, Inc. was put on indefinite hold last month, citing a concern that people now understand what it means and totally hate it. According to sources, the company plans to bring it back at a later date when they come up with another name for it that nobody knows about.
"ESG has been a great money-making scheme, but it was destined for failure once people figured out it was nothing but a tool for pushing radical Communist ideology," said BlackRock CEO Larry Fink. "But I'm confident that with the right name, we can fool everyone again."
According to sources, BlackRock employees have workshopped several names over the weeks with mixed results. The Babylon Bee has obtained an exclusive look at some of the suggested names complete with notes from supervision.
Habitat, Communal, Totalitarianism - Lazy synonyms. Do better.
Obedience, Compliance, Subservience - Hmm. Maybe too much.
Earth, Wind & Fire - Popular musical group from the '70s.
Super ESG 64 - Still says ESG, Harold!
RightThink - Who would be opposed to right thinking?
Satan Reward Points - Close.
"These things take time," warned BlackRock CEO Larry Fink as he advised patience for investors. "I could make up a new name off the top of my head like 'Larry Ratings' or something, but — say, that's quite good."
At publishing time, it was announced during an investor meeting that 'Larry Points' would be formally introduced in Q1 2024.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
