Conservatives Running Out Of Products And Services To Brand With The Name 'Patriot'
Sponsored · Jul 6, 2023 · BabylonBee.com

Brought to you by: The PATRIOT Post

U.S. — With the list of woke corporations and companies seeking to cater to progressive social agendas continually growing, conservative-minded consumers have realized they are running out of products and services they can brand with the name "Patriot."

"It's getting pretty difficult to keep up with it all," said Kyle Ray, a member of the Conservative American Consumers Association (CACA). "The crazier things get, the more conservative products we're having to come up with. ‘Patriot Coffee Beans' is one thing, but when you're venturing into the territory of ‘Patriot Laxatives' and ‘Patriot Rose Bush Fertilizer,' you're really reaching your limit."

As more vendors have come out in favor of alternative lifestyles and draw the ire of citizens who support more traditional values, the demand for non-woke products has increased dramatically. Thankfully, the true creative genius of conservative entrepreneurs continues to shine through. "Need some jeans, but you don't want to go to Target? We've got ‘Patriot Jeans!'" Ray explained. "Do you get sore during long road trips in the car? Try a ‘Patriot Orthopedic Back Pillow!' And don't even think about having any summer camping trips without taking your ‘Patriot Mosquito Repellant!'"

Conservative buyers, meanwhile, have become so inundated with patriot-branded products that the need for differentiation has arisen. "There are now, like, 38 different ‘Patriot' beers," said red-pilled beer drinker Josiah Smith. "How do I know which one is the real conservative brand? I need the most patriot-est of the patriot beers."

At publishing time, conservative housewives across the country were eagerly awaiting the first shipments of Patriot Furniture Polish and Patriot Feminine Products.


NOT SATIRE: Your Resource to Defend Liberty

Join fellow Americans and defend Liberty! The Patriot Post is the first and oldest Conservative News Digest on the Web.

This free subscription will equip you to make a difference in your community and nation.

Subscribe today and as a bonus get your free digital Primer on American Liberty when you do.


Check out Hasbro's latest update to the classic board game "Guess Who?" - now with more genders, inclusion, and fun!* *Fun not guaranteed

Subscribe to our YouTube channel for more tactical instruction

Ready to join the conversation? Subscribe today.

Access comments and our fully-featured social platform.

Sign up Now

You must signup or login to view or post comments on this article.