U.S. — With the list of woke corporations and companies seeking to cater to progressive social agendas continually growing, conservative-minded consumers have realized they are running out of products and services they can brand with the name "Patriot."

"It's getting pretty difficult to keep up with it all," said Kyle Ray, a member of the Conservative American Consumers Association (CACA). "The crazier things get, the more conservative products we're having to come up with. ‘Patriot Coffee Beans' is one thing, but when you're venturing into the territory of ‘Patriot Laxatives' and ‘Patriot Rose Bush Fertilizer,' you're really reaching your limit."

As more vendors have come out in favor of alternative lifestyles and draw the ire of citizens who support more traditional values, the demand for non-woke products has increased dramatically. Thankfully, the true creative genius of conservative entrepreneurs continues to shine through. "Need some jeans, but you don't want to go to Target? We've got ‘Patriot Jeans!'" Ray explained. "Do you get sore during long road trips in the car? Try a ‘Patriot Orthopedic Back Pillow!' And don't even think about having any summer camping trips without taking your ‘Patriot Mosquito Repellant!'"

Conservative buyers, meanwhile, have become so inundated with patriot-branded products that the need for differentiation has arisen. "There are now, like, 38 different ‘Patriot' beers," said red-pilled beer drinker Josiah Smith. "How do I know which one is the real conservative brand? I need the most patriot-est of the patriot beers."

At publishing time, conservative housewives across the country were eagerly awaiting the first shipments of Patriot Furniture Polish and Patriot Feminine Products.

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