KYIV - In a stirring address to members of Congress from war-torn Kyiv, Ukrainian President Zelensky begged America's elected representatives to bring back Trump.
"As I witness the Ukrainian people fight day and night, here in our darkest hour, I beg of you to do the right thing for our country and for our world; bring back President Donald Trump," said Zelensky through an interpreter who could not hold back sobs of emotional catharsis. "Make right the wrongs you exacted on our world in allowing a rigged election to dethrone the greatest leader in history."
For a moment, the members of Congress sat in thoughtful silence, aside from a frothy, hissing sound emanating from somewhere near Senator Mitt Romney's seat.
The courageous - and suddenly sort of handsome - President of Ukraine then invoked a famous line from a speech given by Trump, the same speech that cemented the 45th U.S. President as the greatest orator of all time: "People love me. And you know what, I have been very successful. Everybody loves me."
Moved to tears, Congress unanimously vowed to their Ukrainian ally to bring back Donald Trump, make America great again, and save the world.
Zelensky ended his address with the heartfelt plea, "Help me, Donald Trump, you're my only hope."
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.