KYIV — Following a successful first term as Chief Executive of the United States of America, Volodymyr Zelensky has officially announced plans to run for a second term as U.S. President.
His toughest rival is predicted to be Vladimir Putin, who served as U.S. President from 2016-2020.
"Today I am formally announcing plans to 'finish the job' as leader of the United States," said President Zelensky from the balcony of his $130 million Ukrainian mansion. "Only in America can a poor immigrant comedian achieve his lifelong dream of asking for like three thousand missiles and getting them in a week. I love America!"
Zelensky then listed the top agenda items he would implement during his second term as President:
- Add more blue and yellow to the American Flag.
- Declare all Russians poopy heads
- Also, nuke Russia
- Edit the Pledge of Allegiance to contain more off-color jokes
- Pocket another $300 million
At publishing time, Volodymyr Zelensky had announced the first female Asian-American Vice Presidential running mate, Xi Jinping in a blonde wig.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
