KYIV — Tensions flared today after Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy accused Russia of sending espionage agents into his country to place little Nazi stickers on all his soldiers' helmets.
"The fact that my entire army is wearing Nazi insignias on their uniforms and gear is entirely the fault of Russia," said Zelenskyy while desperately scraping an "I love Hitler" sticker off the side of a tank. "This is an unforgivable provocation. I hereby call on the United States to drop all their atomic bombs on Russia immediately."
Sources say Russia is also responsible for tricking Ukrainian soldiers into goose-stepping, saying "Heil Hitler," and calling for the death of inferior races while waving flags with swastikas on them. "Russia has tricked thousands of innocent Ukrainians into becoming Nazis," said MSNBC Foreign Correspondent Oleksandr Petrovich. "Does their evil know no bounds? They must be stopped!"
Zelensky went on to assure the West that Ukrainian soldiers are totally the good guys and that everyone should unquestioningly be on their side. "I promise, we aren't Nazis!" he said while peeling a Totenkopf death's head off a rocket launcher.
At publishing time, tensions had escalated further when several soldiers were seen wearing "Biden/Harris" stickers.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
