ROANOKE, VA—While flipping through the book of Revelation Thursday morning, xenophobic believer Ben Hartford was reportedly triggered by the description of the great multitude worshiping the Lamb in Chapter 7 of the prophetic book at the end of the New Testament.
“A countless multitude from every nation…” he read aloud, a sense of anxiety building in his chest. “…from all tribes and peoples? And multiple languages? What the…”
“Oh man, if I have to press ‘1’ for English in heaven, I’m gonna be so ticked,” he reportedly mumbled to himself.
According to sources, Hartford then scrambled to check his various Bible commentaries, hoping that one of them would explain that the great diverse crowd surrounding the Lamb’s throne was simply symbolic, and did not actually mean that he would have to spend eternity with people from cultures other than his own.
At publishing time, Hartford had prayed to ask the Almighty if he could be granted his own safe space away from the diverse multitudes in the eternal state.