LYNNWOOD, WA—Although employment is at an all-time high, one industry is struggling as its workers are constantly under the looming threat of automation: worship bands.
The leadership team at Seafarers Community Church recently fired its entire worship band, letting them know that they'd been replaced by Munch's Make-Believe Band from a nearby Chuck E. Cheese. This is happening more and more all across the country as churches are realizing that worship songs are so easy to play, even robots can do it.
"Munch and the guys are reliable and talented, and they never ad-lib anything or give little mini-sermons between songs," said church elder Steve Dean. "They'll play whatever we program them to, no questions asked. They don't introduce a weird song every week that no one knows the lyrics to, and they can play a B-minor chord pretty well."
Percussionist Pasqually P. Pieplate has garnered considerable acclaim for his ability to keep tempo, play in 6/8 time when required, and never play too loud. "We don't even have to cage him," Dean said. "Pieplate is the future of worship drumming."
The band does not have a bass guitar, but the old bassist was never turned up in the house anyway.
In place of a church greeting time, a siren goes off and tickets are thrown out to the crowd. Once in a while, the band glitches out and plays "Happy Birthday" or songs about pizza like "Cheeses Messiah," "Prince of Pizza," or "10,000 Sauces," but an elder just runs onto the stage and kicks them, and they quickly shape up.
"This is totally unfair," said previous worship leader Evan "Slayer" Paulsen. "While Chuck E. and the gang are talented musicians, they simply don't have the intuition it takes to know how many times to repeat the bridge in 'Reckless Love.' You just gotta feel it, man. It's like, you can't program that."
Sadly, Paulsen is wrong, and you can, indeed, program that.