NORFOLK, VA—After decades of playing the same worship songs over and over again, local worship leader Kyle “Kombucha” Nelson revealed Tuesday that his hand has been permanently stuck in a G-chord configuration.
Nelson has reportedly consulted with dozens of medical experts, but none of them have been able to pry his hand from its current form.
“I was playing ‘Good, Good Father’ one day, and tried to transition to one of the other three chords in the song,” he told reporters, “but quickly realized my hand had completely frozen into the form of a ‘G’.”
“The good news is I can still play about half the CCLI catalog,” he added.
Medical experts claim the condition, known as “Hillsong’s Worship Contracture,” (HWC) is something of an epidemic among the nation’s worship leaders, who suddenly find themselves unable to play many popular worship songs after their hands become frozen in particular chords they play repeatedly week in and week out.
“G is probably the most common occurrence, but we’ve seen fingers permanently frozen while forming C, D, power chords, and even the occasional minor chord,” Dr. T.B. Patterson, Head Researcher of Worship Leader Injuries at Yale School of Medicine, told reporters. “While there is currently no known cure for HWC, a regimen of playing old hymns on the piano can lessen the pain and deformity for afflicted worship leaders.”